20 Random Facts About Me
Today’s writing challenge asks that I simply LIST 20 random facts about myself. Although it doesn’t ask for elaboration on said facts, I feel inclined to provide some in so that you get a better understanding of each fact. Also, I’m going to cheat a little bit in that the first 7 items on my list are copied from my blog. Someone else asked me for 7 random facts about myself last year, and turns out they’re still true, so I’m recycling them here (I did edit out all the profanity first, though. You’re welcome.).
- I don’t wear bras or panties unless I absolutely, positively have to. We’re talking gun to the head kinda stuff. I don’t go sans drawers because I think it’s sexy or my coochie needs to be aired out or I’m one of the leftovers from Woodstock. I go without because those contraptions are just too constricting and they make me feel claustrophobic. When I get claustrophobic, I tend to get stabby. You wouldn’t like me when I’m stabby.
- I’m anal about “even stevens”. Things have to be balanced or I start seeing spots and my tongue starts to swell. If there’s an end table on one side of the sofa, there better damn well be another one on the other side. And, if you’re gonna hang a TV on the wall, it better be right in the middle of the wall or I’ll go nuts. This is why I can’t eat an open-faced sandwich or wear my hair like Deb on Napoleon Dynamite.
- I once stole a Cover Girl mascara from Woolworth’s. I had no intentions of stealing it. I was planning on having my brother steal it for me in exchange for a stack of Garbage Pail Kids trading cards, but that jerk wanted to charge me $2 cash for the steal (he was an entrepreneur at an early age). So… I swiped it myself. Afterwards, I broke out into hives and kept watching my back thinking the FBI was going to bust me at any moment. I suck at guilt-free thievery. I never stole anything after that.
- My poop doesn’t stink. Literally. It smells beautiful no matter what I eat. It’s like honey suckle with a hint of citrus. I get compliments from Hubber all the time. I’m all, “I just took a dump, do not go in the bathroom”… and he goes in anyway and is all, “Baby, it smells awesome in there. It’s all flowery and nice.” True story.
- I shave my arm hair. And, I don’t mean just my pits. I mean my ARM hair, too. I can’t afford to wax and I’m a hairy heifer. I don’t want to be confused for a sasquatch, so I put a razor to that stuff on a regular basis. I blame my heritage. Mexican women are hairy, ya’ll. Thanks a lot, Mom! If I had $300 right now, I’d go by myself a No-no.
- Unlike most geniuses, I do NOT suffer from insomnia. You’d think that with an IQ like mine and a brain as big and juicy as mine is, I’d have the burden of too much thought – so much so that I’d stay up all night thinking and thinking and thinking of crap. You’d be wrong. When I hit my pillow, I pass out, y’all. I can sleep and sleep and sleep. I love to sleep. And, I can pretty much sleep anywhere and under almost any condition. Except, under water. I tried that and I almost drowned.
- I have been watching The Young and the Restless for 26 years. It all started when I was 13 years old and I went to spend the summer in the valley with my cousins. They got me hooked on that darn show and I haven’t missed an episode in 26 years.
- My thumb toe is the longest toe on each of my feet. People with long second toes think I’m weird. But, I think THEY are the weird ones. Also, my toes are slightly double jointed. In a cute way, of course.
- My given middle name is Aurora. Like the princess – except more awesome. When I got married, I dropped my middle name and made my maiden name my middle name. For some crazy reason, I thought it was important for my career that I keep my maiden name so that people would know who I was. Because I was THAT popular. I’ve grown up since then, and I’ve become less delusion about who I think I am and I sometimes regret dropping ‘Aurora’. It was my grandma’s name and I miss her.
- I am the proud owner of a 1983 20-ft Minnie Winnegabo. Her name is Minnie. She’s pimped out with homemade curtains, shaggy carpet and fun bumper stickers. It’s the only way I’ll ever go camping. Speaking of which…
- I recently became a Girl Scout troop leader. I hate camping without the Minnie – so I plan on skipping out on those trips. But, I’m making everything else work for now. Everyone who knows me knows how much I do not like children; I threaten to quit every other day. Basically, my troop is lucky to be alive.
- I spend between $10-20 a month on lotto tickets. When we hit it big, Hubber and I plan on building a family compound around a lake. But, first, we’ll buy a small island in the Caribbean.
- I do not like green eggs. Or, green ham for that matter. The Dr. Seuss book, though, is one of my faves!
- I believe in Big Foot. And, I also believe in an imminent zombie apocalypse. I wonder who would win in a fight? Big Foot or the Walking Dead?
- I own over 400 books. That’s a rough estimate. I just asked Hubber how many books he thinks are sitting on bookshelves in our apartment and he says “at least 500”. But, that guy is king of exaggeration… so, without manually counting them, I’m gonna go with 400.
- I have a mounted jackalope head named Hugh. Hugh Jackalope. He’s adorable. He keeps me company at my desk while I tinker away on my computer. The plan was to buy him some friends…but turns out these things are expensive. I’m considering taking up taxidermy. How hard can it be? I could start with my dog. I love my dog bunches, but when she dies, I’m turning her into a footstool.
- I own a sewing machine. However, I use anything BUT my sewing machine to actually sew. It intimidates me… it stares at me all superior and snickers at me with all its bobbins and tricky mechanical thingamajigs. I plan to conquer my fear of sewing machines real soon. Until then, liquid stich it is!
- I’m near-sighted. Extremely near-sighted. I would love to have corrective laser surgery but I’m scared to death of the thought of a laser that close to my eye. I can’t even keep my eyes open during eye exams when they move red light closer and closer. Don’t even let me get started on the puff of air test! I break out in hives every year at eye exam time.
- I love to travel but I hate leaving home. If I could take home with me everywhere I go, the world would be a perfect place. I’d get to always sleep in my bed… always have my morning Hubber cuddle… always have a restroom with an operable vent fan… always have my dog to rub my feet on.
- I only have to go to my office once a week. The rest of the days I work from home. It’s a cush job, ya’ll…. I’d be happier if on that day each week I could roll out of bed, put my hair in a scrunchy, brush my teeth, walk next door in my pjs t get to work… instead of driving an hour out into the country to get to the office. The boss says, “why don’t you just move out here to make your drive easier on Mondays?”…. She might have a point.
Well, that’s it, folks. That’s me in a nutshell. Until tomorrow!